


Broken Angel

by CaptainLokii



Series: Beautiful Angels and their besotted demons [4]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-12
Updated: 2019-06-12
Packaged: 2020-05-02 07:34:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19194508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainLokii/pseuds/CaptainLokii
Summary: Aziraphale had been doing well over recent months and his relationship with Crowley was going from strength to strength but Crowley's own insecurities take over and something finally has to break.Crowley wants nothing more than to find out a way to fix his beautiful angel but he's at a loss as to how. He can't exactly go to an earthly therapist and say "oh hello my angel boyfriend is having a mental breakdown because his arch angel boss is a dick and called him fat and said he was a bad angel for dating me a demon. Oh yes and he also had to stop the apocalypse two years ago and will never get the recognition he deserves for it" if he did that he'd be locked up.





	Broken Angel

**Author's Note:**

> So this didn't end up going the way I originally intended it was originally going to be about Crowley's own insecurities about being a demon to Aziraphales angel but I then got another plot bunny I want to explore in the next chapter so this kind of sets that up.

“Angel!” he yelled entering the dark bookshop. He'd spent the last few days investigating rumours about a second apocalypse which had thankfully turned out to just be the ramblings of a man who'd had a bit to much to drink in a bar one night and accidentally started a cult. It was safe to say after spending more than a few seconds with some of the lunatic followers he missed the comfort of the stuffy dusty bookshop than he'd ever care to admit. Most of all he'd missed the beautiful blonde man who owned it. “Aziraphale!” he called again “I'm home”. 

The shop had been closed as was usual for Aziraphale. The lengths he would go to stop people buying his beloved books continued to amuse him. He had never quite grasped the concept of owning a shop but when he'd suggested perhaps he should've owned a library instead the angel had been offended by the suggestion. 

No reply came which if it was any other person he was searching for he would've worried but this was Aziraphale who not only could more than take care of himself but also probably had his nose buried so far in a new book he'd acquired that he wouldn't hear a bomb blast beside him. He took his shades off as he entered Aziraphale's office and found the man exactly where he'd predicted reading a battered old book and muttering to himself excitedly. 

“What is it this week Angel?” he asked leaning over the man's shoulder and kissing his cheek. 

The angel practically melted into him as he realised he wasn't alone “Crowley! You're back! Oh I missed you so.” he tilted his head back and granted him a proper kiss. “Was everything alright? Nothing to worry about I hope?” 

“Nah, just another lunatic. What are you reading?” he asked curiously looking over his shoulder at the old text. It was hand written and the writing seemed vaguely familiar but he couldn't place it. 

“It's a lost Shakespearean play. Do you remember when we went to see the one with the sea creatures? Even you couldn't make that one popular but I often wondered what happened to the manuscript and I finally tracked it down to a man in Italy of all places.” Ah...Shakespeare... Can't say he'd ever been a fan if he was being honest but they always made Aziraphale's face light up. 

“Put it away and let me tempt you to some dinner. Anywhere you want to go.” he pulled the angels chair back enough to give himself room to swing his leg over the other man's legs and sit in his lap with his arms round his neck. 

Even despite their now rather active sex life he somehow still managed to make Aziraphale blush a deep crimson every time he made any sort of advance towards him. It was beyond precious and made his demonic heart just a little bit lighter each time he saw it. “hmm? Where would you like to go Angel? What about that little place in China? Do you remember that? What was that man's name? Something Li? Or perhaps somewhere new?” 

“The...the Ritz?” Aziraphale stuttered shyly. He should've guessed it. Aziraphale was anything if not traditional and it had become rather a tradition to dine at the Ritz now to the point that nearly all the staff there knew them both by name and their particular likes and dislikes when it came to the wines. 

“Of course beautiful” he placed a gentle kiss to the angels neck just below his ear. A spot he'd found Aziraphale rather liked. He'd spent a lot of time over the last few months mentally noting down every single spot on the angels body that if he kissed, bit or licked would make the angel whimper and lean into his touch. He was proud to say it was becoming a rather long list. Aziraphale still struggled with his body image since that bastard had opened his idiotic mouth but he was immensely proud of the progress he'd made recently. He no longer shied away from his touch when he couldn't keep his hands to himself when the angel was looking particularly delectable. They'd christened practically every surface in the shop by now which he took great joy in reminding the angel particularly when he was talking to customers. 

Whilst the sex was great, more than great even, he still found his favourite moments with Aziraphale were the quiet ones where they'd sit on the sofa together and talk for days on end about everything. Sometimes they didn't even talk just enjoyed the warmth of each others bodies and the comfort it brought them both to know that no matter what the universe threw at them they would always have each other. He loved watching Aziraphale naked and begging to be fucked harder beneath him but still his favourite way of seeing Aziraphale where the moments he didn't know he was being watched. The way he stuck his tongue out slightly when he was concentrating hard on a task or the way he held his fingers so gently over his mouth as he tried to stop himself audibly laughing at a particularly funny passage in his latest book. The faraway dreamy look he got when he sat looking out the window on to the busy Soho street on a rainy day when he'd decided not to open the shop in fear his books would suffer water damage. He'd watch people go by about their daily lives and listen in to the conversations they had on their phones as they ran past trying to escape the downpour as if he was completely in awe at humanity. Those were the moments he saw how truly angelic Aziraphale was with how he seemed to practically radiate a white glow around his whole body as he hummed an ancient tune to himself as a group of school children paraded past hand in hand on the way to an art gallery or the way he smiled that beautiful smile as an elderly couple walked past still hand in hand after 60 years of marriage. Aziraphale was perfect and he still couldn't believe how lucky he was to call him his love. 

“Crowley?” Aziraphale said dragging him from his thoughts “Are you alright?”

“Brilliant my Angel. Was just day dreaming. Come on. Onwards to the Ritz” he got off the angels lap and held his hand out for Aziraphale to take which he did with a blush on his already rosy cheeks and averted his eyes with a bashful smile. Utter perfection. 

The walk from the little shop to the Ritz wasn't far just 20 minutes or so at their leisurely pace as they walked hand in hand admiring the city lit up around them. He'd never got to appreciate the beauty of earth before. Before he'd gotten with Aziraphale his life moved much to fast to stop and appreciate the finer details of earthly living. There was so much more to it than Queen and copious amounts of alcohol. It was something he admired so much about humans that despite everything no matter how hard their lives were made by circumstance they were still so very alive. It made him regret all that time he'd lost over the last few thousand years when he hadn't bothered to just stop for a second and watch the world go by through an imaginary window onto the figurative street that was the world. Another reason he loved Aziraphale so much for bringing such a gift as opening his eyes to the beauty around him. 

The usual Maître d' was waiting at the entrance when they walked up the steps of the grand hotel. Clarence he believed his name was or something with a C in it somewhere. An older chap who was always fiercely polite and was probably from a family of wait stuff and butlers given the joy he expressed in his role. 

“Hullo Claude” Aziraphale greeted politely. Claude... he got the C part right at least. “How's the family? Your daughter must've graduated University this week you must be very proud” of course Aziraphale remembered such details about this practical strangers life. It seemed after all these centuries his angel still continued to amaze him. 

“Good Evening Mr Fell, Mr Crowley. They are quite well thank you for asking. Yes, Clara graduated with a first yesterday and already received a job offer at the European Space Agency. I don't think theirs a prouder father out there.” The man's face glowed with pride at the mention of his daughter. He'd have to ask Aziraphale later if he'd had anything to do with this job offer. 

“Oh wonderful news Claude! I always knew she'd do well. I don't suppose theirs a table available is there?” Aziraphale asked with the twinkle in his eye that meant he knew full well that there was a table waiting with their name on it. 

“Right this way Sirs. Tonight you will be served by our new recruit who is still learning the ropes. Don't hesitate to call me over if there is any issue with your service tonight” The man practically bowed to them as he lead them towards their favourite spot at the back of the restaurant. He handed them both wine menus before returning to his spot at the front of the shop. 

“I don't know how you do it Angel. Remembering all these details about people you will probably only ever meet once or twice.” he said and the angel blushed again. 

“It's not that hard really. I like learning about people and listening to them. The more you listen the more they tend to open up.” He had a point and he'd tried using that technique in the past to get information from people but it hadn't worked that well for him not in the way it did for Aziraphale. He lacked the kind warm eyes his angel had that just screamed trust when he set them upon you. Not like his serpent eyes he had to keep hidden for fear of how the humans would react. He'd seen what humans could do to each other over the years just for a slight difference in someone's appearance he couldn't imagine what they'd do with someone who looked like a creature from a horror film. 

“Good evening Gentleman I will be your waiter for this evening may I get you something to drink” a new voice woke him from his thoughts. He quickly adjusted his glasses on his nose and glanced at the wine list. 

“Give me what ever your most expensive red is.” he said handing the menu back to the man said without glancing up at him. 

“And for you sir?” the voice said to Aziraphale with an almost purr to his voice that made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. 

“oh” Aziraphale said with a blush “I will have the same thank you” 

“Of course sir he said before walked away with both menus” He took the opportunity to look at the man. He looked to be in his late 20s or early 30's it was hard to tell with humans and had black hair and olive skin. He wore the usual uniform though the trousers seemed tailored to be ridiculously tight even by his tight jean's loving standard. He watched as the man glanced over his shoulder again and looked at Aziraphale. He didn't like that man one bit. 

“He's flirting with you. I don't like it” he whispered to Aziraphale who was delicately placing his napkin on his lap making sure there wasn't a single crease to be seen. He kept a cautionary eye out for the waiter's return. 

“Who is?” Aziraphale said clearly not paying attention to the gravity of the situation.

“That ponce that just served us. He's flirting with you” 

“Oh don't be daft Crowley he only asked what I wanted to drink. He did the same to you” Aziraphale rolled his beautiful eyes and shook his head as if ending the conversation. He still kept a wary eye out for the man till he returned. He placed the first glass of a deep red wine in front of him before handing the second glass to Aziraphale making sure their hands brushed. 

“Oh I do apologise sir” the waiter cooed, COOED! “And might I say that is a rather dashing bow tie. I do like a man in tartan” then the bastard WINKED! As he placed the dinner menu's down on the table and walked away with an exaggerated sway of his hips as he went. 

“He's flirting with you damn it. I'm going to make him trip over his shoelaces the moment he comes back” he hissed glaring daggers at the direction the man had just gone. 

“No he wasn't Crowley you're being ridiculous” Aziraphale sounded irritated as he fiddled with the end of the napkin. 

“he was! He was flirting with you! Look at the way he touched your hand and complimented that ridiculous bow tie! He was flirting with you” He regretted it the moment he said it as Aziraphale visibly deflated in front of him the blush of his cheeks fading to a pale white. “Angel I didn't mean it like that! I just meant it's not very modern! I love your bow tie you know that” As if like magic the air around them sparked with static and Aziraphale's face fell forlornly with it. 

“I can put up with being mocked by a waiter Crowley but I expected better from you” Aziraphale whispered sadly as he looked down at his lap his eyes visibly brimming with tears. He'd put his foot in it he'd gone and ruined their lovely evening by being a complete idiot who couldn't keep his mouth shut. 

“I'm not mocking you Angel I wouldn't do that I love you to much and he wasn't either. I just got carried away. I don't like seeing humans flirt with you I get jealous” 

“Don't make excuses Crowley. Especially ones that are such blatant lies. Let's just pretend it didn't happen and enjoy the rest of the evening” 

“I'm not lying Aziraphale!” he insisted “You know how humans like to flirt with you. Look at the woman at the market we went to last week she was flirting with you her life depended on it. I hate it I can't help it” It happened everywhere they went and always had. Men and women would practically line up to flirt with the beautiful man across from him and it made him furious because he knew one day Aziraphale would realise he could do so much better than a lowly demon and leave him. 

“She only asked for directions Crowley you're being ridiculous” Aziraphale looked as if he was angry with him now. “Nobody but you flirts with me stop being silly its not funny” 

“Angel are you really so blind to how fucking perfect you are that you don't notice people shamelessly flirting with you everywhere we go? All those people who come to your shop with no intention of looking at books but merely to talk to you? To flirt with you?” How could he not see it? He'd heard him be asked out to dinner or for drinks multiple times a week and he never noticed it? 

“Stop Crowley please” Aziraphale's lip was trembling now as he fiddled with that bloody napkin he wanted to rip out of his grasp. “please” 

“You're a literal angel Aziraphale the actual definition of perfection and you still cannot admit how beautiful you are and see that people flirt with you? See that you could have any man you wanted and go off with someone who actually deserves you so you don't have to keep scraping the bottom of the barrel with me? Open your eyes Aziraphale” he growled it probably to loudly and to aggressively as Aziraphale flinched away from him and other diners around them were turning to look at the pair of them. 

“I said stop Crowley damn you. Stop with your lies. You promised me you'd never lie to me! You promised!” Aziraphale said standing up suddenly, that blasted napkin falling to the floor forgotten. “Stop filling my head with lies. I know it's not true and don't you ever say I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel with you. I love you and trusted you more than I thought was possible and you just throw it back in my face to get out of making fun of a bow tie? You're a cruel snake.” Aziraphale said with fire in in eyes behind the tears on his cheek as he walked out of the restaurant leaving him alone with everyone in the place staring at him. 

He wasn't entirely sure what had just happened. All he knew was hearing Aziraphale call him a snake had hurt worse than any holy water ever could. He thought things were better than Aziraphale finally saw himself how he was seen by the rest of the world. 

The restaurant around him was still silently watching him stare blankly at the spot Aziraphale had just occupied. He saw to the side that Clarence...Claude...whatever his name was was heading his way. He needed to go after Aziraphale. He blinked at stood up as the occupants of the restaurant all started tooth and claw to get to the bathroom after they all came down with a sudden case of the runs giving him time to escape unnoticed and head into the cool night air. 

He followed the path they'd walked to get here in hopes of finding Aziraphale on a bench on the route back so he could apologise and talk to him. He'd been making fun of his bow tie and love of tartan for years why had it suddenly bothered him tonight? He also knew full well that he loved the bow tie on him because it added to the overall cuteness that was the angel Aziraphale. Or was it still related to Gabriel? He didn't know what to do any more to help the angel. He'd done everything he could think of to try and help him get over it but nothing he said worked. He'd even looked into therapists he could recommend to him but then what exactly would he say to them? “Oh my boss who is an Arch Angel said I was a disappointment to all Angels which I am because I am so adorably chubby it makes my demon boyfriend go weak at the knees and now I can't handle being told I'm in any way shape or form attractive or loved without crying”? He'd get locked up in a heartbeat. Humans weren't ready to hear that angels and demons and heaven and hell were all real just yet let alone find out just how close they'd come to the actual apocalypse. 

He practically ran the last few minutes to get back to the shop which was in complete darkness when he opened the door with the key Aziraphale had given him so many years ago now that he kept safely in his breast pocket. 

“Angel?” he called out mirroring his return just a few hours before. “Aziraphale are you in here?” no one answered as he'd expected. He walked carefully to the back room so as to avoid the stacked up books in the darkness. “Aziraphale?” he said quietly knocking on door before opening it. Aziraphale was sat on the edge of their bed fiddling with his waist coat like he always did when he was anxious. He didn't appear to be crying which he would normally consider a bonus if it wasn't for the cold, broken look in his angels beautiful blue eyes. 

“Get out” he said without looking up. He tried to take a step towards him but a wall of air blocked his path. 

“Aziraphale don't do this. Talk to me please” 

“Leave me alone Crowley. I don't want to see you right now” his tone was so cold he'd never heard him like this before. Not even when he was fighting the actual devil. 

“I can't leave you like this Angel I'm worried about you. Just let me help you please” 

“Help me?” Aziraphale snapped the wall of air suddenly pushing him against the wall as the angel got up and marched towards him with such ferocity he was almost afraid. “You've supposedly been trying to help me for 2 years now but it was all lies. Every single word it was all lies so you could manipulate me. I should never have trusted you, opened my heart to you. I should've listened to what my gut said about Angels never getting to fall in love and Demons not being able to. Well played Crawley you got exactly what you wanted. Go and laugh at me with the rest of your demon buddies you tricked an angel into believing you loved them just so you got fuck them. That's all you wanted isn't it? And pretending like you think I would leave YOU? Low fucking blow you horrible snake” Every word was a punch to the gut and hearing that name that he hated so much come out of his loves mouth after so long stung he felt tears prick at his own eyes to match the ones now running down Aziraphale's cheeks. 

“I wouldn't do that to you Aziraphale” he said trying to push through the air and reach out to his love “I made you a promise and I kept to it. I would never hurt you like that I love you to much. I refuse to believe you think I would really do something so cruel as that. You are a being of love and I know you can feel my love for you is real. This isn't you talking this is what ever your mind is fooling you into thinking but I promise you it's not true. I love you with every inch of my being. I would do anything to make you believe that. I wasn't pretending when I said other people flirt with you and that one day you will realise you're worth more because you ARE. Angel's don't fall in love with demons Aziraphale but not because I can't love but because you are worth more than I ever will be. That's why other people flirt with you because they can feel the aura of pure goodness around you and I hate it because I know one day they will take you from me and I won't even be able to be angry about it because all I want is to see you happy.” 

“SHUT UP!” Aziraphale screamed raising his fists that burst through the wall of air and slammed against his shoulders as the angel collapsed against him crying. He barely managed to grab him and hold him up before he collapsed into tears. “I'm sorry” he sobbed against him “I'm really sorry” he grabbed tightly onto his shirt like it was his lifeline. 

He didn't know what to do. His angel was so broken and he didn't know how to fix him. “I'm so stupid” Aziraphale whispered “I'm sorry” 

“Hush now Angel shh you have nothing to be sorry for you haven't done anything wrong” he assured sliding down to the ground with the sobbing man and holding him as tight to his chest as he physically could. 

“I don't want to be like this any more” Aziraphale whispered as sobs shook his whole body. 

“I know sweetheart, I know.” He was lost. He didn't even know what had triggered this reaction in Aziraphale after he'd been doing so well. “I just want you to talk to me Aziraphale” 

“But I don't know what to say. I don't know why I did it or said those horrible things to you Crowley. I called you... I called you a snake...oh god what have I done” he cried harder still. 

“It doesn't matter Angel I know you didn't mean it” 

“But I did! I did mean it then. I genuinely believed you'd done those things to me and for a brief moment I hated you. I've never hated you before. I just couldn't see any other reason as to why you'd say those things. Say people were flirting with me and it made you jealous. Why would anyone be jealous of me? It didn't make sense and I snapped and I know it was ridiculous. Dear lord I will never be able to set foot in the Ritz again.” Crowley felt his heart squeeze tightly at the reaction that was so unbelievably Aziraphale. To worry about what other people might think of him instead of his own self first. At least it was proof that his angel was still in there somewhere. 

“Don't worry about it they won't remember they're all a little preoccupied in the toilets right now” he said wiping a tear off the angels cheek.

“You didn't!” Aziraphale said suddenly looking up at him in horror and amusement. 

“Oh I did” he gave him his most mischievous grin. 

“I've made an awful fool of myself haven't I?” he asked leaning into his chest again. 

“Not at all Angel.” he continued rocking his beloved angel in his arms till both their tears dried up. 

“I'm still so sorry I called you a snake Crowley...I... I understand if you are rather angry with me right now and want to leave. I wouldn't hold it against you” 

“Don't” he said silencing the smaller man “Don't you ever say that. I'm not leaving you over something you couldn't help. Something isn't right here Angel and I don't know what it is but what ever it is I'm going to find out and stop it.” He'd felt it for a while but he always put it down to the pain at seeing someone he loved so dearly suffer so much and there be nothing he can do to relieve it. Now after the spark in the Ritz he knew something more was going on. Something was using Aziraphale's own insecurities to hurt him and who or whatever it was was going to suffer eternally for it. 

Now all he needed was a plan.

**Author's Note:**

> If you're interested in following me on tumblr my name is captainaziraphale were i reblog a bunch of nerdy shit and classic comedies. Mostly Good omens, Stucky, yuri on ice, BTS, The young ones/bottom/rik mayall and greg davies as well as Casualty and holby city. 
> 
> seeing as i've been getting anon hate in the last few chapters I just want to prefix this with: 
> 
> Go fuck yourself anons


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